Suffering: The Series Part 14 ~ How to Suffer Well

What is the point of all of these blog posts if I don’t even give you advice on how to approach suffering within yourself? I would say there isn’t one, or ought not be one, outside of hearing myself gab about it or drive traffic to my website. (You have my word that these are not my primary motives.)

Being transparent, this blog is the one in particular which I have been most eager to write and most nervous to write altogether. Certainly, I have looked forward to it, as it is all that I have been building to here on the website, and a subject I love to speak on, as you undoubtedly can tell by now.

To an equal degree, I am nervous about this post because it’s the central most question of our existence as human beings, and I, a mere human being myself, am about to attempt to tell you just what the answer is.

Now, I do not claim to have all the secrets of the world, nor do I claim to have the answer to how to hack many of the most complex struggles and issues we face as humans either. As a therapist, I can give you tips and education and guidance, as I have, to make the most of suffering, to recognize your own suffering and how it affects you, and to grow in emotional intelligence to avoid causing unnecessary suffering to happen to others, etc. (On this note, look out for my upcoming course, named after this blog post, coming soon!)

What is tricky about writing this in short form is that I don’t want to give the wrong idea about what I mean. Even the title is risky with it’s connotation. You might read it and think it says “How to suffer correctly.” I would not use that word simply because of the implication that there is a wrong way to suffer. There isn’t. There are unhealthy ways to respond to suffering, and inappropriate choices made in the face of suffering—but to suffer in general is to be human, and there is nothing incorrect about being human. And I certainly don’t want anyone to read this and think I am judging anyone for suffering by any specific criteria.

Yet, there is an importance to knowing how to suffer, or more accurately, how to suffer well. Again, so I am able to be clear about my meaning, by “well” I mean in a specifically knowledgeable way. I can’t tell you how to make your life free of suffering, because there isn’t a way. Even those who have found ways to be ignorant of their own suffering still experience it. It is inseparable to the human condition. What I can do, however, is to tell you that you can know yourself well enough to suffer with confidence, compassion and direction, and ultimately grow and benefit from suffering as a companion instead of an adversary.

I can tell you that, and I can promise you that.

Now for the payoff. How do we do it? The long answer will be covered in the Mental Wealth Today course I mentioned earlier. The short answer is this: We ask why. “Why do I feel this way?” “Why did I respond like that?” “Why do I often feel down about this situation when others seem to receive it with joy?” “Why do I push people away when I feel vulnerable?” “Why do I use sarcasm instead of openness?” “Why do I struggle to accept change without fear or avoidance?” And we don’t stop asking until we have the answer.

When we are able to identify the why, we can move on to the where/when/who/what. “Where did I learn this response?” “When did I first start believing this response would protect me?” “When have I been affirmed that this response is correct?” “Whose response reinforced this in me?” “What is the fear or belief behind this response?”

And finally, we start asking how. “How can I overcome the fear to control the response toward health and growth?” “How can I encourage myself toward healing and changing in ways I need to no longer be stuck in this response loop?” “How can I use what I know about myself to break my patterns of mental health to prevent causing others to suffer without cause?”

And then, once we have those answers, we act on them, over and over, until health becomes a habit, and suffering becomes a tool for growth instead of a weapon of pain.

Let’s start asking why, and let’s not ever stop.