Suffering: The Series Part 5~ The Suffering Rulebook

What are we actually allowed to do when we suffer? It's an odd question, isn't it? The reason it is odd is because, to my knowledge, there aren't seminars or textbooks about what determines a person's suffering as valid.

I mean, if you want to get technical, the multitude of textbooks written about the human mind or existence in general could be considered rule books for suffering, but I have yet discover one which has a specific list of guidelines for how to suffer "correctly."

Which brings me to the main point here. Ask any individual what is allowed in terms of suffering and you'll probably get some confused looks or head scratching about it. Ask the same people what isn't allowed in terms of suffering, and you may get the same reaction as well.

However, ask anyone in the midst of suffering how they are feeling, and you'll get any number of statements like, "I know I shouldn't feel this way, but..." "I certainly don't have it all that bad, but..." or "I know it's not a significant thing to be depressed about in the grand scheme of things, but..."

So, rule book or not, the narrative is there, and it presents itself to anyone suffering as a insidious little pseudo-guideline for how they ought to feel, think or act about the suffering they are experiencing.

Let me list the common "guidelines" for you here.

1. If someone somewhere else has had it worse than you, you shouldn't feel as bad/depressed/anxious/hopeless as you do.

2. Someone, anywhere else has absolutely felt worse than you, so you don't have any right to claim the feeling for yourself.

3. If it feels like it weighs a ton emotionally, but doesn't seem to weigh a ton for someone else in the same situation, then it is obviously a problem of you having made it up in your head. Obviously.

4. If you decide to talk about it with anyone, it'll probably come off as you wanting attention or being too weak to handle it on your own, so be sure to downplay it as much as you can.

5. Matter of fact, just don't talk about it. You were meant to carry this all on your own without help.

6. This is God testing you. Very clearly. No matter how connected to your religion you are or not, this is a sign that you are not enough or are not doing enough. Shame on you. Go pray some more.

7. You better not need any medication to help you with whatever it is. Medication is for people who don't want to actually face their problems, which would apply to you, even despite all the work you have done to process and address it.

8. Also, the fact that you have any trouble at all with whatever this happens to be means you aren't as strong as you think you are. You might need all the medication there is, come to think of it.

9. You can only have symptoms of PTSD if you've been to war or have been severely physically abused. Nothing else, no matter how jarring or harmful it was to you can create those symptoms, and if you believe you have it otherwise, you're lying or don't know what you're talking about.

10. You can't claim to have depression if you aren't or haven't ever felt suicidal.

11. You also cannot have depression for something resulting from something you did. If you caused it, it's your own fault, you asked for this.

12. Admitting you have anxiety about anything in your life is actually just you being emotionally needy.

13. In fact, you having any mental health struggle is you being emotionally needy. And no one in your life is equipped to help you through it.

14. Grieving has a timeline. If your experience does not fall into it perfectly you are doing it wrong. So get over it already. Stop milking it.

15. Being broken about something that has broken you is unreasonable. Stop being broken.

16. You cannot have a problem with how you were raised if your parents are good people. Because good people are perfect, and feeling broken about something they did or didn't do is being ungrateful and irrational.

17. You cannot still be angry, hurt, traumatized, etc, by something that happened long ago, especially if you never said anything about it then to change it. That's in the past. You should have let it go by now.

18. You also shouldn't need any help with mental health if your friends are good people. People with good friends who love them are protected from mental health struggles. If you have mental health struggles you either have bad friends or no friends. Obviously.

19. Seeking help from a therapist is the result of you having lost the ability to take care of what other people succeed to take care of effortlessly without any tolls to their mental health. Those in your environment have already concluded this about you, and will not be surprised, and most likely already judge you for it.

20. Let's say you do go to talk to someone like a therapist. Make sure you let them know that you understand as many of these rules as possible, otherwise they will think of you as the "worst" of their clients, or at the very least, someone who doesn't belong here, because your problems don't constitute as valid suffering, therefore rejecting you as a client, highlighting just how difficult your life is and sentencing you to being alone for the rest of your life.

I hope this list struck you as utterly ridiculous--because it is. Very real, very prominent, very common as well, but nevertheless, all false. Not one rule in this rule book is valid or true, in fact, you may reliably believe in the opposite of each and every one of them.

Certainly, this list is not exhaustive. I have heard many more and will probably continue to hear many more as my career progresses. And the reason for this is that a part of mental health, and the leading board of approval for this rule book are what is call Cognitive Distortions. These are thoughts that present themselves, in a way that is meant to be the brain's way of problem solving and explaining things in comparison to a perception of others (remember this from before?) that has gone wrong somewhere between the eyes and the heart of the beholder.

The reason this rule book is so well known is because as an equally common occurrence, we tend to hold ourselves to a higher standard than we do others around us. We would never tell anyone any of these things as a rule in the midst of suffering, we know very well that there is no rule book for suffering--except when we are dealing with ourselves.

As there are many reasons for this higher personal standard, I will not go into it in this article, but still promise to touch on it in a future article devoted to each of the major mental health struggles.

For now, I will offer some reflection points.

1) How often do you use these on yourself? What do you think is the reason you do so?

2) What do you think the world would look like if we could confidently challenge the rule book in each other and ourselves? How would that change the general perception of suffering?

3) What are your experiences with mental health therapy? How does that differ from how you were raised to think about it?

Let me know in the comments!